slash_my_wrists (slash_my_wrists) wrote in matt_loves_jere,

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Title: Richard Marxism
Author slash_my_wrists *friends only*
Type: Standalone
Pairing: Matt/Jere (Mest)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: swearing
Disclaimer: Don't own, never happened. Lyrics "Richard Marxism" by Mest
Summary: And now I'm all alone,because I'm back on my own!
Note: I know that Matt Lovato did not write Richard Marxism, but this is fiction, right?; Credits to Tina, who's amazing by the way, for the banner.

"Hey Babe, I'm home!" I yell as I open the door to my apartment like I usually do when I get home from recording. But just like always, I don't get a reply. Slowly I make my way into the living room sighing as I plop down on the couch with the mail I got today in my hand. I flip through it realizing how many bills I'll have to pay within the next few weeks until the fourth envelope catches my eye and my lips form a small smile.

He hasn't lived here, hell he hasn't even been here for the last three month and I still receive letters addressed to him every once in a while. It always makes me smile, not a happy smile though, but a sad smile on a happy memory that I once called my life. Yes, he was my life. I was too stupid to realize that then, but now I know that he was everything I ever cared about and the thought that he is gone forever shatters my heart every time I think about it.

I know that it is all my fault, that he's not here anymore and that I cannot hold him and kiss him when I get home from an exhausting day at work. He's not awaiting me anymore to cheer me up, when everything just sucks and I have no one that I can give all my love to and that gives all their love to me, since he left.

I sigh loudly again as I lean back on the couch and close my eyes picturing him standing there in front of me with his deep brown eyes looking at me, a small, but beautiful smile playing on his lips that I want to kiss so desperately. His short dark-brown hair is hanging low in his face covering his eyes and his skinny body seems to be just made for me holding it close to mine. I just love everything about him and the thought that I will never be able to be with him again is driving me insane.

I swallow hard as the memory of that certain day comes back into my mind, that one day on which I managed to fuck everything up, to fuck my life and probably his up, to shatter his heart into a million pieces. I clearly remember his face when he was standing in the doorway to our bedroom seeing me in our bed with that chick I had picked up at the first show with my new band that night and that I don't even remember the name of. What I do remember, as if I can still see it in front of me, is the look in his eyes; this hurt, disappointed look that is now that I am thinking about it making my heart ache. He wasn't angry or anything, the only things I could see in his eyes were sadness, hurt and disappointment.

We had gotten into a fight before I left for the show, because he wouldn't get out from work a few hours earlier that night, so he could come see me play with my band. I know it was not even his fault that his boss was being a dick and wouldn't let him go. That's something I didn't realize then though. I was mad at him and hurt that he wouldn't be there, even though he knew how much it meant to me.

I was so hurt that I would just go, get drunk and take some random chick, a groupie most likely, home with me. When I think back now, I can't believe that I did that to him. I didn't even get much out of it, but it satisfied me somehow that I got him back for how much he had hurt me by not showing up.

I sigh again realizing that a tear is running down my face as I think about how he was sitting in our living-room with his face in his hands silently crying when I said goodbye to that girl at the door, even kissing her so he could see it. I don't have the slightest clue why I would want to hurt him so bad back then, but I did.

After that chick had left I went into the living room sitting down opposite of him. I watched him intently and he didn't say anything. He just stared at me, tears cascading down his cheeks. He somehow managed to make me mad by not saying anything at all. I told myself that he didn't care and that he didn't love me. I wanted him to tell me how bad I made him feel and how hurt he was, but instead he just looked up at me and quietly whispered: "I love you!"

I remember standing up and pacing around the room. It must have been at least 15 minutes until he looked up at me again and quietly said: "Why?"

I honestly don't understand now what had gotten into me that night, but having all those strange feelings confused me and the being drunk part didn't help much either, so I started yelling at him. I replay the words that I said that night in my head once again. I know exactly what it was: "Why? Cause you don't even give a shit! You don't give a damn about me and I don't give a fucking damn about you! You fucking knew how important tonight was for me, but you didn't give a shit. Now it's my turn to not give a shit! I don't fucking care how you feel, I honestly don't. And that's about all I have to say to this!" I grabbed my jacket and headed out into the cool night in an attempt to calm myself down.

Of course, what I had said was not true. I did care a lot about him and his feelings, but I was trying hard to convince myself otherwise. It worked for a while and when I got home that night finding him and all of his stuff including his car gone, I was indeed a little glad. But as the time went by and I didn't hear anything from him, I started realizing what I had done to him that day. How much I had hurt him, made him feel unloved and useless. I didn't even know where he was or if he was ok, but I knew that I didn't want anything but have him back and make him happy. I wanted to apologize to him for that night and for all the other things that I had done within our two-year-long relationship that had hurt him, but I couldn't build up the courage to just find him and tell him all this.

Yesterday, when I went over to the recording studio I saw, or maybe I just imagined that I saw him walking down the street. His head hung low and he looked like he was about to cry. I found myself wanting to get out of my car and just pull him into my arms and ask him what's wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I am still hoping that someday we'll get another chance to be together, because I love him and I always will. There'll be no day in my life that I won't be thinking about him and I'll always and forever hate myself for what I did to him.

I get up from the couch walking into my bedroom, the same bedroom that I used to share with him and the same bedroom that I fucked everything up in. I go over to the window and grab my acoustic guitar that is leaning against the wall and sit down just trying to get all my thoughts together and express them in words.

I have never been good at this and that is why I am not the songwriter in the band, but I wanted to try. So I just started playing my guitar and singing the words that were running through my mind softly:

Well I know I've let you down
And I guess I won't be seeing you around
I don't know what to say
I didn't mean, to fuck up in this way

And now I'm all alone
because I'm back on my own
just give me one more chance
this time I swear it'll be my last

I miss you tonight, I made up my mind
I shouldn't have acted that way
I miss you tonight, I made up my mind
Cause you were the one, you were always fun
but I got scared, pretending not to care

I don't know what to say, I think I know why
you look this way
It was something that I said
Because it's still running through my head

and then I saw you yesterday and maybe there's a way
that you'll come back with me to stay

I miss you tonight, I made up my mind
I shouldn't have acted that way
I miss you tonight, I made up my mind
but you were the one, you were always fun
I got scared, pretending not to care

I miss you tonight
I made up my mind
Cause you were the one, you were always fun
I got scared, pretending not to care

and I miss you tonight, I made up my mind
I shouldn't have acted that way
I miss you tonight, I made up my mind
I shouldn't have acted that way
I miss you tonight, I made up my mind
cause you were the one
you were always fun
I got scared, pretending not to care

When I was done, I quietly whispered: "This was for you, Jere! I, Matt Lovato, will always love you!"
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